A few years ago I expressed to my boyfriend a deep desire for a boob job. He vehemently said I didn’t need one (not realising the voluptuousness is mostly for me and only in part for him). As I continued to grumble about it, he eventually retorted: “Well, maybe I should get a dick job.”

I don’t have first-hand experience of penis pumps but my impression is that they're rather unsexy. A few days after this, my beauty therapist casually threw in that she could tighten my vagina. She’s never waxed down there so it’s not as though she has first-hand knowledge of my fanny...